10 Mar, 2025
Reflections from Lauren Seager-Smith, CEO of The For Baby's Sake Trust
Forgiveness is deeply personal and often misunderstood, influenced by our upbringing, culture, and experiences. At The For Baby’s Sake Trust, we work closely with parents who have been profoundly impacted by childhood trauma and abuse in their adult relationships. As we support our parents on their healing journey, we frequently confront the complex question of forgiveness—its meaning, the individuals it serves, the potential for weaponisation, and whether it has a role in healing.
The Pressure to Say Sorry
Most of us will have been taught to say sorry and to forgive others from a young age. Parents and educators often instruct children to say sorry — to address negative behaviours and instil empathy, but sometimes in response to deeply ingrained social norms. Apologies can help smooth conflicts, maintain relationships, and restore a sense of order. But when we push children to say sorry without exploring why they behaved as they did or helping them to find ways to understand and manage emotion, it can reduce forgiveness to a mere formality rather than a transformative process. Equally, when we expect children to forgive and forget just because someone said sorry, they quickly see through this if there has not been a behaviour change.
This pattern extends into adulthood, with family members and friends sometimes pressuring us to say sorry or forgive others to “keep the peace.” But forgiveness is not about keeping others comfortable—it’s about what we need to heal, and it must go hand in hand with safe, personal boundaries that are there to protect us.
Forgiveness and Faith
Our views on forgiveness are often rooted in our cultural and spiritual backgrounds. Speaking personally, growing up in a Christian community, I was taught to pray, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.” It was a constant reminder that we are all in need of forgiveness. The message was clear: we are all sinners saved by grace, and forgiveness is part of living a faithful life.
There is a positive aspect to this — many faith communities have a long history of rehabilitation and supporting those whom society may deem unworthy, embodying compassion and grace. However, there is also a danger. This same emphasis on forgiveness can make it more difficult for individuals within faith communities to challenge injustices or call out abuse. Those who cause harm can exploit these beliefs, and those experiencing abuse may feel compelled to remain in unsafe circumstances, believing that forgiveness necessitates tolerating mistreatment.
What Is Forgiveness — and Is It Good for Us?
Forgiveness is often framed as a moral good, a sign of strength, and a pathway to healing. But what does it really mean? Forgiveness does not mean excusing harmful behaviour or allowing someone back into your life if it doesn’t feel safe. But it is helpful to acknowledge that we are all human, get things wrong and can hurt others. As Sister Helen Prejean, spiritual advisor to prisoners on death row, powerfully said:
“Where the moral failure is, is to identify a human person completely with an action. Everybody is worth more than the worst thing we’ve ever done. That’s human transcendence.”
The power of forgiveness, then, lies in acknowledging our shared humanity, that we all make mistakes, that ‘there but by the grace of God’ go all of us, and that we are open to the other person making amends or rising to a higher level of being.
But forgiveness is not always good for us and should never be a one-way street. In Phosphorescence, Julia Baird discusses the assumption that forgiveness is always necessary or virtuous, particularly for women. She explores how forgiveness can be mistaken for submission or compliance, especially in contexts of intimate partner violence or family abuse. She outlines ‘intimate partner or family violence’ as self-protective citing ‘one long longitudinal study found partners who were more forgiving of psychological and physical abuse were more likely to be subjects of that same aggression’. She discusses that forgiveness can, at times, be bad for you – ‘if it exposes you to abuse, if it forces you to keep enduring abuse, then it will compromise your physical and mental health’. This leads her to conclude that we need to look at how we define forgiveness, asking ‘Can we free ourselves mentally without forgiving?’. As Baird highlights, forgiveness becomes harmful when it pushes people to endure abuse or compromise their physical and mental health.
Baird’s question is vital: can we free ourselves without forgiving? Baird references PTSD expert Anastasia Pollock’s reframing of forgiveness in trauma therapy as “unburdening” — letting go of resentment without removing accountability. It’s a way of finding peace without feeling pressured to reconcile with someone who has caused harm.
Are Women Under More Pressure to Forgive?
There is growing evidence that women, particularly those who have experienced domestic abuse, face disproportionate pressure to forgive. Gendered expectations often frame women as caretakers and peacemakers, leading to a societal push for them to “let go” and “move on” — sometimes at the expense of their own healing.
Jessica Knoll explores the gendering of forgiveness in this article, reflecting on her own experiences, and observing that:
“Forgiveness is a proprietary thing. It is the injured party’s right to give or not when—and this part is key—the transgressor asks for it. Without the cooperation of the perpetrator, it’s a carrot dangling in perpetuity, eluding me and others like me, who don’t want to live with bitterness and anger but who know that the people who hurt us won’t ever take responsibility for what they did. This is why I take umbrage with forgiveness—it’s been corrupted beyond recognition. But it is possible to graduate from anger without excusing the behaviour of those who refuse to admit any harm has been done.”
The For Baby’s Sake Trust recognises this dynamic. We work with both parents in an abusive relationship, supporting them to address the root causes of their behaviour; however, we never expect someone to forgive their partner as part of their healing journey. Forgiveness is a personal choice that needs to be carefully explored, not an obligation.
Can You Forgive Without Remorse?
A particularly difficult aspect of forgiveness is whether it’s possible without the other person expressing genuine remorse. Many find it hard to forgive someone who hasn’t apologised or acknowledged the harm they’ve caused. But for some, forgiveness becomes a way of releasing the emotional burden — not to excuse the harm, but to reclaim a sense of peace.
Jessica Knoll describes how she rejected the pressure to forgive, finding her own form of closure instead. She writes about the power of letting go of resentment on her terms, separate from societal expectations.
Forgiveness, then, does not have to be tied to someone else’s actions. It can be a personal, quiet, unburdening process— choosing yourself over the harm caused.
Can People Change — and Are They Worthy of Forgiveness?
At The For Baby’s Sake Trust, we believe in the human capacity for change, but we also know that change requires accountability, reflection, and sustained effort. Matthieu Ricard writes in Altruism:
“One of the major discoveries of recent decades is neuroplasticity… the brain changes constantly when an individual is exposed to new situations.”
He argues that character traits are not fixed, and that compassion, empathy, and kindness can be cultivated through intentional practices.
Our work supports parents who have harmed others and want help to change, by examining the root causes of their behaviour, helping them understand the harm they’ve caused, and guiding them to cultivate healthy relationships moving forward. We support their capacity to change, but we are clear: no one should ever feel pressured to forgive or forced to be in a relationship with someone who has caused them harm. Safety and accountability come first.
Recognising someone’s potential for change does not mean ignoring the risks they may still pose. It requires keeping one’s eyes and heart wide open and balancing hope for change with safe boundaries.
A Final Thought
Ultimately, forgiveness is a deeply personal and complex process. At The For Baby’s Sake Trust, we stand by the principle that everyone deserves safety, and no one should feel obligated to forgive someone who has harmed them. We also believe in the possibility of change — but only when it is accompanied by accountability and a genuine commitment to growth.
Forgiveness must always be a personal choice and must come from within, not from outside pressure. You know it’s healthy and healing when you feel a burden is lifted.
