02 Sep, 2024
Coercive control is a form of abuse that often goes unrecognised, yet it has a profound impact on those who experience it. Read on to learn more about this damaging behaviour, its signs, and how you can protect yourself or support others in identifying and addressing it.
What is coercive control?
Coercive control is a term developed by the academic and social activist Evan Stark to help us understand domestic abuse as more than physical attacks, arguments, or any other unhealthy behaviour. It is a systematic pattern of behaviour designed to remove autonomy, freedom, and spirit, effectively destroying their sense of self. Stark described it as ‘how men entrap women in everyday life’ by controlling every aspect of their lives. However, coercive control is not a gender-specific issue and people of all genders can also engage in coercively controlling behaviours. Coercive control, Stark argues, is not primarily a crime of violence; it is first and foremost a liberty crime. This is not intended to play down the level or scope of physical violence that can occur within domestic abuse (though sometimes no physical violence is used at all, or the violence that is used may appear ‘minor’ in the eyes of the law) but to highlight what is significant – control.
This type of control is often subtle, making it difficult to identify. Unlike physical abuse, coercive control may not leave visible marks, but its effects can be deeply damaging, affecting the individual’s mental health and overall well-being. In this model, violence is used (or not) alongside a range of other tactics – isolation, degradation, mind games, and the micro-regulation of everyday life (monitoring phone calls, dress, food consumption, social activity etc). The person using abusive behaviours creates a world in which the person experiencing abuse is constantly monitored and criticised; every move is checked against an unpredictable, ever-changing, unknowable ‘rule book’. Recognising coercive control requires an understanding of how these behaviours are designed in a calculated way that develops over time to create the sustained pattern of abuse, denying any control, choice, or fundamental human rights.
Some confusion remains around coercive control and its relationship to domestic abuse. Even when we acknowledge the emotional, psychological, financial and sexual elements of domestic abuse we still focus primarily on acts of violence in our discussions and responses to domestic abuse. Talking about coercive control means that it is not only another phrase for domestic abuse but it helps us to rethink what constitutes domestic abuse.
What are some examples of coercive controlling behaviours?
Coercive controlling behaviours can manifest in various ways. Examples include isolating the individual from friends and family, restricting their movements or communication, and monitoring their activities excessively, often under the guise of care or concern. Financial control is another common tactic, where the person using abusive behaviours limits access to money or resources, making the other person dependent on them. Emotional manipulation might involve constant criticism, belittling, gaslighting, degradation and mind games, that leave the person doubting their ability to function in a meaningful way. These behaviours, taken together, create an atmosphere of fear and dependence that is difficult to escape. The person using abusive behaviour creates a world in which their partner is constantly monitored; every move is checked against an unpredictable, constantly changing, cruel game of control. Fear and confusion are central to our understanding of coercive control; it is living in a world of changing landscapes; a world of everyday dread and trepidation.
What does coercive control look like?
Some signs that someone is experiencing control include but are not limited to emotional withdrawal, constant justification of their partner’s behaviour, general anxiety, and a loss of independence. Here are some examples of what coercive control looks like:
- Monitoring communications: Insisting on checking a partner’s phone, reading their messages, or demanding to know who they are communicating with. This could sound like “Why didn’t you answer my call immediately?” or “Let me see who you’ve been texting.” Surveillance continues even when the person using abusive behaviour is not present (constant phone calls or texts, using children to report on movement etc). They can come to appear omnipotent.
- Controlling social interactions: Restricting who the person can see, preventing them from meeting friends or family, or making them feel guilty for wanting to spend time with others. This could sound like “You don’t need anyone else, you’ve got me,” or “Why would you want to see them when you could be with me?”. The person may start to withdraw from social activities, cancel plans frequently, or seem isolated from their usual support network.
- Regulating appearance and behaviour: Dictating what the person wears, how they should look, or how they should behave in public or private. This could sound like “You’re not wearing that,” or “You should dress more modestly, it makes me uncomfortable when you don’t.”
- Financial control: Controlling all household finances, giving the person a strict allowance, or preventing them from accessing their own money. This could sound like “I’ll handle the money, you’re not good with it,” or “You don’t need to know about the finances, I’ll take care of it.” The person may have little or no access to money, need to ask for money for necessities or be unaware of the family’s financial situation.
- Threats and intimidation: Using threats, either implicit or explicit. This could include threats of leaving, harm, or exposure. This could sound like: “If you ever leave me, you’ll regret it,” or “I’ll tell everyone your secrets if you don’t do what I say.”
- Manipulating reality (gaslighting): Denying events, twisting facts, or making the person doubt their memory and perception. This could sound like: “You’re imagining things,” or “That never happened, you’re making it up.” The person may be constantly second-guessing themselves, or express doubt about their own experiences and feelings.
- Following the rules of the game: The rules are based on the person using the abusive behaviour’s stereotyped view of how their partner should behave, with potential rules about how they may work, parent, socialise and more.
When does behaviour cross the line into coercive control?
Behaviour crosses the line into coercive control when it becomes a persistent and deliberate pattern aimed at diminishing another person’s freedom and autonomy. It’s not about isolated incidents but a consistent effort to exert power and control. This can happen gradually, with the person using abusive behaviours introducing more restrictions and manipulations over time, making it difficult for the other person to recognise the shift. Coercive control is characterised by the impact it has on the person experiencing it; when they start to feel consistently afraid, dependent, or unable to make decisions for themselves, the behaviour has likely crossed into coercive control. It’s important to trust your instincts and seek support if you feel your sense of self and freedom are being eroded.
Why do people use coercive control? What may lie behind these behaviours?
People may use coercive control for various reasons, often rooted in their insecurities, need for power, or desire to maintain control in their relationships. Sometimes, these behaviours stem from past experiences of trauma where their lives were controlled or an inability to tolerate vulnerability or uncertainty in relationships. The person using abusive behaviours might believe that by controlling another person, they can prevent rejection or loss, or they may use it to assert dominance. It’s important to note that while these factors may explain the behaviour, they do not justify it. Coercive control is harmful and destructive, regardless of the underlying reasons. Understanding these dynamics can help in addressing the behaviour, but the focus should always be on promoting safety, respect, and equality in relationships.
What steps can you take to protect yourself if you think there is coercive control in your relationship?
If you suspect there is coercive control in your relationship, it’s important to take steps to protect your well-being and autonomy. Start by acknowledging your feelings and trusting your instincts – if something feels wrong, it likely is. Seek support from trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can offer a safe space to talk about your experiences. Keeping a record of the behaviours you’re concerned about can also help you clarify the situation and provide evidence if needed. It’s crucial to have an emergency plan in place, including knowing where you can go if you need to leave suddenly and having access to important documents and resources. Organisations like domestic abuse helplines can offer confidential advice and support tailored to your needs. Remember, your safety and well-being are paramount, and seeking help is a courageous step towards regaining control over your life.
What can you do if you think you may be using these behaviours?
Recognising that you may be using coercive control in your relationships is a significant step. It takes courage to acknowledge these behaviours and a genuine commitment to change. Begin by reflecting on your actions and their impact on others. It can be helpful to seek professional support, such as therapy or counselling, where you can explore the underlying reasons for these behaviours and develop healthier ways to interact. Educating yourself about healthy relationship dynamics and learning new communication and conflict-resolution skills are also crucial. Apologising to those affected by your behaviour and making a clear commitment to change can be a part of the healing process, but it’s important to remember that trust takes time to rebuild. Ultimately, the goal should be to foster healthy relationships based on mutual respect, trust, and equality.
How can coercive control manifest in other relationships? For example, in the wider family or the workplace?
Coercive control is not limited to intimate relationships; it can manifest in various settings, including within families and workplaces. In a family context, one member might exert undue influence over others, controlling finances, making decisions without consultation, or using emotional manipulation to maintain dominance. This can create a toxic environment where the targeted family members feel powerless and isolated. In the workplace, coercive control can be seen in behaviours such as micromanaging, withholding information, or using threats and intimidation to maintain authority. These actions create a culture of fear and can significantly impact the mental health and well-being of those affected. Recognising coercive control in these contexts is vital for addressing and preventing its harmful effects. Support systems and policies that promote respect, communication, and fairness are essential in all environments.
What should you do if you are worried that a friend, family member, neighbour or colleague is impacted by coercive control?
If you’re concerned that someone you know is experiencing coercive control, it’s important to approach the situation with care, empathy, and respect. Start by offering a listening ear; let them know that you are there for them, without judgment or pressure. It can be helpful to gently express your concerns, focusing on specific behaviours you’ve noticed rather than making accusations. Encourage them to talk about their experiences, but also respect their pace and choices. Offering information about support services, such as local and national domestic abuse services, is important to consider, but be mindful that you can’t push someone to take an action they’re not ready for. It’s important to remember that leaving a coercive relationship can be a complex and dangerous process, so supporting the person’s autonomy and decisions is key. Ensure they know you’re available whenever they need you, and continue to check in, providing a consistent source of support and understanding.
