An Interview with Our Guest Contributor Cindy Gilmore

Can you tell us about your proudest moment in your career and what made it so significant for you?

When managing a local Domestic Abuse Service there was a knock on the door of the refuge and a Mum I had supported in a previous role was at the door. She had knocked as she wanted to work in partnership with the refuge with a support group she had set up. I was keen to know how the last few years had been, and she told me of all the successes she and her 3 children had achieved since I had last seen her. We both became quite emotional. When I had been a parent support advisor in her children’s school, I had built a good rapport and this mum had confided in me about Domestic Abuse. My role had been to support with a housing move, support with the children and the trauma they were experiencing and support mum with ongoing emotional support. Sadly, my role was made redundant but in my last week I was lucky enough to see this family move into a new home and be invited to see it. The Mum had also sent me a Christmas card through a colleague with a photo of them in their new home, saying they were all safe and doing well.

I had often wondered how this family had got on as we rarely see the full journey through. This Mum was saying ‘thank you- you did so much for us, and I will always be grateful’. However, I kept reminding her this was HER success, not mine. She had committed to a life for her and her children free of abuse. She had been the one managing everyday life with 3 children. She was the one now setting up a support group for other people impacted by DA.

The reason this was so significant was because I realised what a privilege it is to be able to walk alongside somebody in a time of need, to empower them and be the conduit to information, support and resources that they may not have the capacity to source at that moment in their lives. It is not about doing things for someone, rather WITH someone. I also felt incredibly lucky to see this mum again and to be able to hear of such a positive outcome for her and her 3 children. I realised that the phrase ‘every contact counts’ really is very true. You don’t know the impact of what you do, however I believe the rapport building, trust and being person centred had been the most impactful for this family.

Having worked extensively with children and families affected by domestic abuse, what is the most valuable piece of advice you would share with professionals entering this field?

Looking back on my career I think the advice that would have been most useful to me is to be professionally curious. To use rapport and motivational interviewing skills to ask curious open-ended questions. To never assume what somebody says is what they mean. In Domestic Abuse I think it is important to have a real understanding of coercive control and how this may manifest in a relationship. Asking questions such as how you meet, how long before you moved in together, tell me about things you might disagree about and how you resolve those disagreements, are all ways of building rapport, being curious and beginning to see any patterns of abuse or control. I also feel it is vital we speak independently with both people in a relationship. The person causing the harm should also have the opportunity to be spoken with, to be asked similar questions and to be offered support to change. The Myth of Invisible Men 2021 was a piece of research that highlighted how men in the homes of under1’s are routinely ignored. Yet the research shows us that men are most likely to harm under 1’s causing significant injury or death. We must offer support to men and becoming a father is often a motivating event when professionals can implement change.

Looking to the future, what policy changes would you like to see implemented to better support families experiencing domestic abuse and trauma?

For many years the ‘separate and isolate’ model was the only model really adopted by professionals. This led to relationships going ‘underground’, the non-abusive parent (statistically most often the mother) being held responsible for the actions of the perpetrator, risk not being understood and the abuse continuing and the ‘failure to protect’ narrative being used. When relationships end abuse continues through lengthy court cases, child contact, stalking behaviours.

I think policy changes must focus on the engage model. Appreciating that not all couples will want to separate and that even if they do this does not guarantee safety (in fact the end of a relationship is the riskiest time for homicide). Using the whole family approach ensures everyone gets their needs met, whilst also looking at the family need. Safe assessments, risk management and safety planning. Policy and systems change would include housing options for both victim and perpetrator if a relationship ends ( the father of your children sofa surfing is often a reason relationships resume, or a reason why a perpetrator moves onto a new relationship), statutory behaviour change and access to support services that are consistent across counties, mandatory training of professionals, especially within the criminal justice system and a widespread training programme on working with trauma. I feel especially passionate that this should be within schools and that schools should have their response to children and parents living with trauma scrutinised by OFSTED as part of their inspection.

I would also encourage a more open narrative with the person causing harm. It isn’t that long ago that the routine questioning by midwives was introduced to ask pregnant women about their relationships. We need to be asking this question of BOTH parents and being able to respond to the answers in a positive and compassionate way. Early recognition is vital, as is early response. The impact on developing brains is well documented and I feel sharing this knowledge with expectant parents could be a motivator for change.

The biggest factor in any change is that the trauma informed principles are embedded. Recognition of the widespread impact of trauma, resisting traumatisation and working safely, collaboratively and honestly must underpin any work /policy aimed at reducing DA.

Your career spans various roles in statutory agencies and the third sector. How have these diverse experiences shaped your approach to supporting children and families?

I think my approach has always been about ensuring the child is central and that their voice is evident and considered at all stages of any intervention. Building rapport, trust and collaboration with families and professionals is imperative but within the different agencies this has looked very different. I am aware of Marian Hesters 3 planet model and I think my experience in a variety of sectors is described well by this model. It describes how the response to domestic abuse varies depending on whether you work in domestic abuse, children’s social care of the family court.  I think other agencies can also be added to this model such as police, housing, health ,education, mental health service, criminal justice or substance misuse. Each service has its own way of framing the issue, its own culture and its own language. For families, they are bouncing around these planets and experience inconsistency, contradictions, lack of empathy and often applying a very differing ‘lens’ to the domestic abuse. If a perpetrator is accused of using ‘gaslighting tactics’ then professionals could very well be accused of the same.

This has all shaped my approach to ensuring I work with a multi-agency approach and try to be the consistent for the family. I will advocate for children, mothers and fathers and will challenge professionals if I disagree with decisions.

An example of this is when Police respond on an incident-based approach and have not identified a pattern of abuse, control, stalking. They may look at a single incident where the perpetrator received an injury- say a scratch or bite mark, yet this has been the victim responding to a pattern of abuse and control. I encourage professional curiosity, asking more open-ended questions, reflecting on other information that can be gained from other professionals.

To summarise I think my experience has led to me thinking and acting in a more holistic way. I will also bring the family into decision making- ensuring they feel included and not just ‘being done to’. Ensuring the child has a voice if possible, or putting the right safeguarding in place if they are too young to communicate. Remembering that behaviour is a form of communication so trying to elicit what a child may be trying to communicate.

In your experience managing domestic abuse services, what strategies have proven most effective in helping both the person using abusive behaviours and the person experiencing the abuse?

The strategies I have seen the most effective in all my roles are relational. If professionals ‘other’ the people, they work with then it creates a divide and resistance is common. However, building rapport, using active listening, empathy (not sympathy) and collaborating not colluding can be very successful ways of engaging with families at difficult times. Honesty is vital. Ensuring concerns such a safeguarding overrule confidentiality at the very beginning of a professional relationship sets the boundaries and ensures professional safety and creates a safe environment for the client.

Once a professional relationship is established then accountability, trustworthiness and being able to appropriately challenge prove to be effective when looking to instigate change. A knowledge of the cycle of change and being able to assess when someone is in contemplation can really inform my approach.

These strategies work with both the person using abusive behaviours and the person experiencing them. The other strategy that is often a big motivator and encourages change is the awareness of DA on children. The impact has been well known for many years but with growing awareness of Adverse Childhood Experiences(ACES) and of Brain Development this information has become relatable to parents. Often they can acknowledge their own ACES and want to mitigate the impact of ACES on their own children.

The For Baby’s Sake Trust focuses on breaking the cycle of domestic abuse for future generations. How do you believe early intervention can contribute to this goal?

As above I feel that knowledge is powerful to motivate change. Most parents want the best for their children and understanding how a baby’s brain develops, how their early childhood experiences influence their lifelong outcomes can encourage parents to access support and information to learn the skills that will support positive experiences for their baby. I believe both Mothers and Fathers should be seen as vital to a growing baby and that midwives and pre-natal staff have a great opportunity to enrol fathers at the same time as mothers- a radical change to current services. Research (e.g. Gray & Anderson, 2010) shows that Fathers hormones change in readiness for parenting- this information, when shared with fathers can be hugely influential. Positively involved fathers tend to have children who are better adjusted, have higher self-esteem, higher educational achievement, greater empathy and lower criminality and substance abuse (Sarkadi et al, 2007; Flouri 2005; Pleck and Masciadrelli, 2004). On the flip side, harsh parenting, father-child conflict, or poor relationship with mother is linked to anti-social behaviour, aggression, poor emotional regulation and negative problem-solving skills.

Mothers and Fathers both bring something different to the parenting task and this should be acknowledged and encouraged from the very start.

An early identification of potential ACES can be an opportunity for parents to make changes to break the cycle of domestic abuse. Encouraging open honest conversations, early relationship education in schools, and excellent training for professionals can all contribute to this.

Could you share an example of a successful outcome you’ve seen as a result of a behaviour change programme for those using abusive behaviours?

In my experience, somebody often engages in behaviour change when things reach crisis point. This may be social care involvement, police or criminal justice involvement, or the ending of the relationship. At this stage motivation may be varied and still carry an element of wanting to be in control and thinking that showing commitment to a programme will get the desired outcome. To consider a successful outcome the view and experience of the person being harmed is the best measure of this. It may be through intervention a partner may report a reduction in CCB, or a reduction in violence. They may discuss feeling safer, communication improving or problems not escalating as they once did. There may be a change in social care involvement or the criminal justice system- all these things could be seen as successful. However, things may also escalate, professionals may become more concerned about risk, more information may be shared, and this could lead to more intervention from social care or the criminal justice system. For me both outcomes are a success as the person being harmed, and the children are being safeguarded, and that is the main priority of an intervention.

On occasion someone may seek support before crisis point and this is a positive step and has greater capacity for success. An example I can share from my experience is a man who was still living with his partner but was worried about his behaviour. He sought support from searching for services online and engaged fully with a 30-week intervention. He demonstrated accountability from the start. His partner also engaged with the partner support service. The couple decided to separate during the intervention, and this happened safely and with support. In time, this man wanted to give something back to the service for their support and alongside the Service Manager he created peer mentors which he took a lead on. This has become such a successful model of people who complete the intervention and remain abuse free being available by telephone to support people new to the group, or those needing additional support from a peer. This man has become empowered by this role and is an advocate for the difference it has made within his new relationship. This project has been running for approx. 12 years now and continues to be a flagship mentoring service.

With your extensive background in education, health visiting, and children’s services, how do you integrate these perspectives into your training and consultancy work?

I often train multi-agency teams, and this really helps to have this insight into each service and to be able to discuss experiences in my own career that can help to highlight a particular point. I think I can take a whole systems approach in my work and ensure respect and fairness towards each industry. I always acknowledge the pressure services are currently operating under, and that everyone I am training is committed to doing their very best with the knowledge and resources available to them. I will also ensure small group work is from mixed services when possible and when on zoom the difference across the country can really help to enrich these exercises. I will ask professionals to share their knowledge and experience, bringing them alongside me in the training room so I am not seen as the ‘expert’. My training style is very relaxed and curious and I will encourage questions and reflections from everyone in the room.

The For Baby’s Sake Trust emphasises the importance of healthy parent-infant relationships. How can services best support parents to build this relationship?

This starts pre-birth when it can be an exciting and overwhelming journey parents to be embarking on. As I mentioned above, explaining to parents about child development, brain development can be powerful. I used to ask fathers what age children were impacted by DA and the responses varied from a year to twelve years, sometimes even older. They were honestly shocked when learning it was in utero.

Learning about development is so important to both the parents and the baby. Understanding why a baby cries, learning about soothing techniques, co regulation, serve and return can be powerful to support parents to tune in and be responsive to their baby. Understanding sleep patterns and how these change, how to encourage good sleep can all lead to a settled and more content baby and less stressful environment for all.  This can be done through accessible sources that suit the parents- face to face groups, one to one support, videos, online courses, books, leaflets and apps.

As you embark on your master’s degree; what specific areas are you most interested in researching, and why?

My interest always focuses on the impact of DA on children and through my work with both mothers and fathers I am especially interested in breaking the cycle at the earliest opportunity. I am fascinated by the ACES study and what this tells us about long term outcomes for children. I have always been aware of the socio/economic outcomes, but the health outcomes were surprising when I first learnt about the predisposition to autoimmune diseases and heart attack for instance. So currently I don’t really know where my research will go but early intervention to break the cycle of ACES is likely to feature. I want to begin to explore the link with a ‘buffer’ and who this buffer is. Often, I have heard young men say the most important person to them is a grandparent. What does a grandparent offer that a parent doesn’t? How can we create a ‘whole village’ approach to raising children?  I start my masters next month so this could change rapidly over the next year. My other area of interest is in Domestic Homicide and the link to risk rating. Why are ‘high risk’ victims not murdered yet ‘non high risk’ are? I believe this is linked to a lack of understanding of CCB so this may well be an area of research too. What would happen if we just used the phrase’ risk’ without a rating?